Dear Mr Right, Bad Timing

My love,
Please, read it slowly, carefully and comprehend every word, every sentence I wrote because I need you to understand me.
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My love,
I have been yearning to call you so since weeks now, but had to refrain myself everytime I wanted to. You see, I have some sort of difficulty in sharing my feelings, so I bottle them in all the time until I feel so suffocated inside that I can’t even put up with the tingly sensations of knowing what it feels to actually feel that. Okay, confused?
Let’s get straight to the point: I am truly, sincerely, madly, passionately and stupidly in the process of falling in love with you. Or maybe I already did? I don’t know. I tried so hard, so hard to escape those feelings, you know? Ignored them, bottled them in, shut myself out, and convinced myself that this wouldn’t get anywhere farther than just a mere physical attraction. Yes, I was fooling myself.
Lust, they say.
Is it?
No, I can’t be in lust with you, because what I feel goes much beyond the handsome, hot, muscular man that you are. I don’t know you to the core, but the past 10 weeks that I spent with you were enough to make my eyes glow at the sound of your name and make my heart pound every single time I caught sight of you. I admire and respect you for the Earthly being that you are and for the man that you’ve become. I don’t know your story, and I would never dare ask you, because I’m too afraid.
Bonding with someone at the soul level is such a beautiful thing, but yet, so strong that sometimes, due to certain circumstances, makes things a lot more complicated and makes you feel nothing but pain. I would give anything to know you deep down, and believe me; I know what I’m talking about. But I also know that this is not possible. Well, circumstances again. You see, I choose every single word I use carefully, because words are powerful and they are the only way through which I can share what I feel.
What did you do to me, huh? You took my breath away with one single touch of yours. One caress and I melted. One kiss and my heart skipped a beat. Look at me now, sitting down and writing this to you. No, I am not desperate, just a grown up girl enjoying the process.
Going back to the first day, why did I even give in? Temptation! Who wouldn’t be tempted by a man like you anyway? Like seriously, you are the kind of man any woman would go crazy over. That smile, damn boy! Those dimples, and the eyelashes, and then just the whole architecture of your body, those abs so precisely defined, and the strength of those arms, gosh, I literally drool every time you hold me!
Those strong, manly and virile arms…*sigh*. Not to forget that chivalrous side of yours coupled with your “teasing-vicious” facet. And then for the man that you are; for the kindness that emanates from you, but mostly for being humane and sensitive; for understanding and for always helping, for believing and encouraging, for caring and smiling, for sharing and believing, for being strong and facing the odds, for the independence that you’ve set and never giving up .
What else could we ask for? You know you have it all, right?
Then temptation turned into feelings. Oh no, just why? The heart I tell you…
Ah my heart is beating fast again.
Okay. Deep breathing.
Remember at the start I had asked you why we were doing what we do, what were the lessons we were supposed to learn from each other? I finally accepted that maybe it was all fated. And I did learn my lessons. The. Hard. Way. It is the kind of bittersweet pain that you enjoy despite the heartache. And whatever be the outcome or what you might think of me, I need to let you know how I feel:
I was lovesick. I waited for you those past days. And you know what? I was angry at myself, angry because I felt stupid. I was sad, and I felt a whole roller-coaster of emotions throughout my whole body. Had to struggle again, fight the feelings back and convince myself that I’ll be okay, this one shall pass too.
And oh my God, how jealous I was. I was jealous of the time you dedicated to her, the time you spent with her, the times you kissed her and told her you loved her and the times you probably made love to her with all your passion, all your heart, your body and your soul. But then, she is your girl. Who am I?
I was hurt at some point, because keeping a low profile only kept reminding me of my true place, of who I was for you, of what I meant in your life, well, if ever I meant anything…
I sat down, pondered upon those hard facts and acknowledged reality: you’ve already settled down, you have your life, so where do I fit. And besides, we both knew it wouldn’t go further. Though I saw it coming since the beginning; I still chose to dive in. This past week has been the hardest; my pillows witnessed my pain, my stomach had to keep up with the knot I felt growing tighter inside with the passing days and sleep was my only escape. Yeah, my heart was aching. Again.
This wasn’t my first heartbreak, yet the pain felt as intense as the first time. Can I blame you? Should I blame you? No I cannot. You have your own life to deal with and you already have so much on your plate.
My heart is the most important part of my whole self and I cherish it more than any other part of my body. I can’t bear to see my heart in pain because it feels like I am hurting myself on purpose. And I can’t do this to myself, I’m not that strong. Seeing you today after so many days got my heart skip a beat one more time, again felt the tight knot in my stomach. I wanted to feel you close to me again. One last time. But anyway, this came up as a wake-up call: it is time for me to get a hold of myself.
You know I wanted to thank you for those 10 weeks. You’ve made me feel loved and cared for like never before. I felt happiness, I felt secure. I’ve learnt to love my body and be confident about it, I’ve learnt to trust and follow my heart. You helped me love the woman that I am. You were my safe haven. But most of all, I learnt what loving unconditionally meant.
Because as far as I remember, I never asked you for anything in return of what we shared. And we shared an amazing chemistry, we bonded for a while, we shared great moments of laughter, we had some misunderstandings for sure, but we also worked them out. And thanks to you, I have learned how to live in the now, make the most of what was given to me at this particular moment and not worry about what the future holds.
To be honest, you have all the qualities I looked for in a man. Really. You were my Mr Right, the one I probably met at the wrong time and the wrong place. But that’s how life goes, isn’t it? Have to learn how to make do with what we have. And I am totally grateful for the moments you allowed me to share with you. It wasn’t much but it was more than what I ever imagined. And I have no regrets at all.
You’ve seen the whole of me, as I am, with the scars and the imperfections; you know my body like no one else does and everything was worth the wait and the time we spent. Though I try as hard as I can to deny this fact, but yes, my body craves to feel you inside me. Feeling your warm skin next to mine and seeing the physical differences we had only added up to the beauty that I saw when we were together.
Did you use me? Was I just another boost for your ego? Something which entertained you? Your booty call? Was I an object, something which you could proudly boast about? Did I ever mean anything for you, or was I another catch, someone you’d replace soon? Did you ever feel anything or was it just plain physical attraction, a way to relieve yourself from the stress of too much work? Enlighten me please. But then, you’ve showed so many times how caring a man you were. Maybe I should not ask, right? Whatever happens happens for a reason. God knows best.
But I have to let go. Because sometimes love means letting go. Being in love and loving are two different things. Being in love means needing, but I don’t need you. Loving means setting free and letting be. And love is so much more. Remember the times I used to look at you straight in the eyes? That was me trying to tell you how real my feelings were. I guess you never understood. But that’s okay darling.
So yes, I learnt about the real meaning of loving. Love as the Bible defines, is kind and patient and never jealous. It is about giving without expectation. It is about trusting and letting be. Love is about being your true self without being afraid. True Love liberates, it doesn’t bind. I always knew nothing would ever get real between us but still, I chose to love. But now, you may go. That’s what it means to love. I kept my ego aside as this is how I loved. Selflessly.
It was a slow process. Everytime we moved on to another step, I grew even more in love. But just as I fell slowly in love, I will fall slowly out of love. I have faith. What is meant to be will be. You’re probably telling yourself that I may be mistaken; this can’t be love, right? The heart knows best and I trust it.
I sincerely don’t know how it happened, because for me it started out as plain fun. I swore to myself that I wouldn’t let feelings get in between. Sadly, these things don’t last long because we are humans. And my heart is too stubborn to be rational. I love this thing called love, and I am too sensitive and I feel too deeply. When I love, I love with all my heart and give more than I receive.
It was obvious that I would be the one who would fall first.
But it’s okay, honey. There’s always a winner and a loser, and I don’t hate you. I can’t hate you.
Here I stand today with the walls I built around crushed, weapons thrown. I took the risk of letting you in, and now feels like I am down on my knees, head bowed to the ground, and once more vulnerable. It’ll probably take me a year, 2 years or a month or maybe a week to get over, I don’t know, but I will get over you.
Don’t worry, I will not bother you, I will not chase you, I will not linger around you. You can rest assured.
And I apologise. I probably screwed things up between us and you probably won’t want to talk to me ever again. You must be feeling weird, awkward, or maybe angry? We don’t choose who we fall in love with. Sorry. But know that if you need a friend, you can count on me.
Thank you for the experiences and for the lessons, because I needed them.
You are a beautiful experience that happened to me: far from the eyes but close to my heart.
I wish you the best this whole universe can give you. I wish you to feel a myriad of joyful and happy days and I hope the good days will outweigh the bad ones. I wish you to forge and strengthen your character so that it shapes the amazing being that you already are. And one day my love, you will make history.
You don’t owe me anything and if you don’t want to reply me, I will understand. I have just one small request: Please don’t make fun of me and you don’t have to feel bad or pity me, because that’s the last thing I need from you.
Take care of yourself and may God bless you and fill your life with selfless and abundant love and help you achieve your life purpose.

With all my love, sincerely.