Dear Mr Right, Bad Timing

My love,
Please, read it slowly, carefully and comprehend every word, every sentence I wrote because I need you to understand me.
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My love,
I have been yearning to call you so since weeks now, but had to refrain myself everytime I wanted to. You see, I have some sort of difficulty in sharing my feelings, so I bottle them in all the time until I feel so suffocated inside that I can’t even put up with the tingly sensations of knowing what it feels to actually feel that. Okay, confused?
Let’s get straight to the point: I am truly, sincerely, madly, passionately and stupidly in the process of falling in love with you. Or maybe I already did? I don’t know. I tried so hard, so hard to escape those feelings, you know? Ignored them, bottled them in, shut myself out, and convinced myself that this wouldn’t get anywhere farther than just a mere physical attraction. Yes, I was fooling myself.
Lust, they say.
Is it?
No, I can’t be in lust with you, because what I feel goes much beyond the handsome, hot, muscular man that you are. I don’t know you to the core, but the past 10 weeks that I spent with you were enough to make my eyes glow at the sound of your name and make my heart pound every single time I caught sight of you. I admire and respect you for the Earthly being that you are and for the man that you’ve become. I don’t know your story, and I would never dare ask you, because I’m too afraid.
Bonding with someone at the soul level is such a beautiful thing, but yet, so strong that sometimes, due to certain circumstances, makes things a lot more complicated and makes you feel nothing but pain. I would give anything to know you deep down, and believe me; I know what I’m talking about. But I also know that this is not possible. Well, circumstances again. You see, I choose every single word I use carefully, because words are powerful and they are the only way through which I can share what I feel.
What did you do to me, huh? You took my breath away with one single touch of yours. One caress and I melted. One kiss and my heart skipped a beat. Look at me now, sitting down and writing this to you. No, I am not desperate, just a grown up girl enjoying the process.
Going back to the first day, why did I even give in? Temptation! Who wouldn’t be tempted by a man like you anyway? Like seriously, you are the kind of man any woman would go crazy over. That smile, damn boy! Those dimples, and the eyelashes, and then just the whole architecture of your body, those abs so precisely defined, and the strength of those arms, gosh, I literally drool every time you hold me!
Those strong, manly and virile arms…*sigh*. Not to forget that chivalrous side of yours coupled with your “teasing-vicious” facet. And then for the man that you are; for the kindness that emanates from you, but mostly for being humane and sensitive; for understanding and for always helping, for believing and encouraging, for caring and smiling, for sharing and believing, for being strong and facing the odds, for the independence that you’ve set and never giving up .
What else could we ask for? You know you have it all, right?
Then temptation turned into feelings. Oh no, just why? The heart I tell you…
Ah my heart is beating fast again.
Okay. Deep breathing.
Remember at the start I had asked you why we were doing what we do, what were the lessons we were supposed to learn from each other? I finally accepted that maybe it was all fated. And I did learn my lessons. The. Hard. Way. It is the kind of bittersweet pain that you enjoy despite the heartache. And whatever be the outcome or what you might think of me, I need to let you know how I feel:
I was lovesick. I waited for you those past days. And you know what? I was angry at myself, angry because I felt stupid. I was sad, and I felt a whole roller-coaster of emotions throughout my whole body. Had to struggle again, fight the feelings back and convince myself that I’ll be okay, this one shall pass too.
And oh my God, how jealous I was. I was jealous of the time you dedicated to her, the time you spent with her, the times you kissed her and told her you loved her and the times you probably made love to her with all your passion, all your heart, your body and your soul. But then, she is your girl. Who am I?
I was hurt at some point, because keeping a low profile only kept reminding me of my true place, of who I was for you, of what I meant in your life, well, if ever I meant anything…
I sat down, pondered upon those hard facts and acknowledged reality: you’ve already settled down, you have your life, so where do I fit. And besides, we both knew it wouldn’t go further. Though I saw it coming since the beginning; I still chose to dive in. This past week has been the hardest; my pillows witnessed my pain, my stomach had to keep up with the knot I felt growing tighter inside with the passing days and sleep was my only escape. Yeah, my heart was aching. Again.
This wasn’t my first heartbreak, yet the pain felt as intense as the first time. Can I blame you? Should I blame you? No I cannot. You have your own life to deal with and you already have so much on your plate.
My heart is the most important part of my whole self and I cherish it more than any other part of my body. I can’t bear to see my heart in pain because it feels like I am hurting myself on purpose. And I can’t do this to myself, I’m not that strong. Seeing you today after so many days got my heart skip a beat one more time, again felt the tight knot in my stomach. I wanted to feel you close to me again. One last time. But anyway, this came up as a wake-up call: it is time for me to get a hold of myself.
You know I wanted to thank you for those 10 weeks. You’ve made me feel loved and cared for like never before. I felt happiness, I felt secure. I’ve learnt to love my body and be confident about it, I’ve learnt to trust and follow my heart. You helped me love the woman that I am. You were my safe haven. But most of all, I learnt what loving unconditionally meant.
Because as far as I remember, I never asked you for anything in return of what we shared. And we shared an amazing chemistry, we bonded for a while, we shared great moments of laughter, we had some misunderstandings for sure, but we also worked them out. And thanks to you, I have learned how to live in the now, make the most of what was given to me at this particular moment and not worry about what the future holds.
To be honest, you have all the qualities I looked for in a man. Really. You were my Mr Right, the one I probably met at the wrong time and the wrong place. But that’s how life goes, isn’t it? Have to learn how to make do with what we have. And I am totally grateful for the moments you allowed me to share with you. It wasn’t much but it was more than what I ever imagined. And I have no regrets at all.
You’ve seen the whole of me, as I am, with the scars and the imperfections; you know my body like no one else does and everything was worth the wait and the time we spent. Though I try as hard as I can to deny this fact, but yes, my body craves to feel you inside me. Feeling your warm skin next to mine and seeing the physical differences we had only added up to the beauty that I saw when we were together.
Did you use me? Was I just another boost for your ego? Something which entertained you? Your booty call? Was I an object, something which you could proudly boast about? Did I ever mean anything for you, or was I another catch, someone you’d replace soon? Did you ever feel anything or was it just plain physical attraction, a way to relieve yourself from the stress of too much work? Enlighten me please. But then, you’ve showed so many times how caring a man you were. Maybe I should not ask, right? Whatever happens happens for a reason. God knows best.
But I have to let go. Because sometimes love means letting go. Being in love and loving are two different things. Being in love means needing, but I don’t need you. Loving means setting free and letting be. And love is so much more. Remember the times I used to look at you straight in the eyes? That was me trying to tell you how real my feelings were. I guess you never understood. But that’s okay darling.
So yes, I learnt about the real meaning of loving. Love as the Bible defines, is kind and patient and never jealous. It is about giving without expectation. It is about trusting and letting be. Love is about being your true self without being afraid. True Love liberates, it doesn’t bind. I always knew nothing would ever get real between us but still, I chose to love. But now, you may go. That’s what it means to love. I kept my ego aside as this is how I loved. Selflessly.
It was a slow process. Everytime we moved on to another step, I grew even more in love. But just as I fell slowly in love, I will fall slowly out of love. I have faith. What is meant to be will be. You’re probably telling yourself that I may be mistaken; this can’t be love, right? The heart knows best and I trust it.
I sincerely don’t know how it happened, because for me it started out as plain fun. I swore to myself that I wouldn’t let feelings get in between. Sadly, these things don’t last long because we are humans. And my heart is too stubborn to be rational. I love this thing called love, and I am too sensitive and I feel too deeply. When I love, I love with all my heart and give more than I receive.
It was obvious that I would be the one who would fall first.
But it’s okay, honey. There’s always a winner and a loser, and I don’t hate you. I can’t hate you.
Here I stand today with the walls I built around crushed, weapons thrown. I took the risk of letting you in, and now feels like I am down on my knees, head bowed to the ground, and once more vulnerable. It’ll probably take me a year, 2 years or a month or maybe a week to get over, I don’t know, but I will get over you.
Don’t worry, I will not bother you, I will not chase you, I will not linger around you. You can rest assured.
And I apologise. I probably screwed things up between us and you probably won’t want to talk to me ever again. You must be feeling weird, awkward, or maybe angry? We don’t choose who we fall in love with. Sorry. But know that if you need a friend, you can count on me.
Thank you for the experiences and for the lessons, because I needed them.
You are a beautiful experience that happened to me: far from the eyes but close to my heart.
I wish you the best this whole universe can give you. I wish you to feel a myriad of joyful and happy days and I hope the good days will outweigh the bad ones. I wish you to forge and strengthen your character so that it shapes the amazing being that you already are. And one day my love, you will make history.
You don’t owe me anything and if you don’t want to reply me, I will understand. I have just one small request: Please don’t make fun of me and you don’t have to feel bad or pity me, because that’s the last thing I need from you.
Take care of yourself and may God bless you and fill your life with selfless and abundant love and help you achieve your life purpose.

With all my love, sincerely.

She is not her curves

Winter’s here since a while now, but today feels a bit different to her. Sitting down, she could feel the coldness of the floor despite her thick clothes. She was benumbed by the icy floor tiles but this was nothing compared to the pain she felt at that moment.

There, the first drop of her precious tears fell to the ground… and now she was crying her heart out as she acknowledged the truth that stung her every single time: she was loved just for her curves.
This was again another of her failed stories, the ones where she loved deeply and selflessly but instead of being loved back, she was used. This wasn’t her first heartbreak, yet the pain she felt was as agonizing as the previous ones. She was young, witty and beautiful but this changed nothing to the fact that men approached her only for her hourglass figure.

A lot of women would give anything to achieve such a body type, but to her, this seemed more like a curse than luck.

Men couldn’t see further beyond her well-balanced bust and hips and her delicately defined waist. They rather saw the boost she could bring to their male ego; they saw the pleasure she could procure them; they saw in her the trophy not everyone could lay hands on.
But she was not her curves. She was more than that.

She was first the woman who had a goal, a woman who was passionate about finding her life purpose. She was the woman who radiated love and warmth, someone who’d spread the happy bug to everyone she met.
She was the Little Miss Sunshine. She saw beauty even in the ugliness that surrounded her sometimes. She was the human who dusted off negativity with her positive vibes. She was the woman who always had the right words, even if things weren’t good for her. She was the woman who’d smile through the tears and would keep her faith through the good and the bad days.

But she was not her curves.

She was the smile that brought a sense of belonging to people around her. She was the hand you’d reach to for reassurance. She was the friend you could trust, the friend who would tell you with conviction: “I have your back honey, don’t worry”.

She was more than just those curvy hips. She was the kindness that emanated from her. She was the hope she had everytime life knocked her down. She was the phoenix that would rise from the ground after being burned down to ashes, stronger and more determined. She always frowned at injustice and encouraged fairness.

She was humane and sensitive. She was the tears that would roll down her cheeks everytime she felt sad. But that only made her feel more alive. She was the sun that burned fiercely and sometimes, she was the moon that could light up a dark room.
And yes, she was more than the pleasure that her luscious lips provided.

She was more than the woman who made men go weak down their knees. She was more than her piercing chatoyant look. She was more than just the woman who unintentionally flirted as she talked. She was more than the gracious sways of her hips as she walked across a room. She was not her curves.

She was an art lover, a music adept and a freedom-seeker and sometimes she was also demure.

Most of all, she was a woman who burned with ebullience deep inside when it came to love. She loved love. She was the woman who would love with all her heart, her body and her soul. She would always give more than she received even though she knew this wasn’t the right thing to do.

But she kept hoping her good karma would get back to her one day. However, until then, she continued to love deeply.

She was patient and trusted too easily. An ingénue one would say. But that didn’t stop her when it came to loving. She had perhaps a lot to learn from those heart-breaking relationships, that’s why she kept trying, believing she’d find serendipity in them.

Everytime she met someone, she hoped things would work out right this time even though deep down she knew this was going to be just another of her failed love stories.

But love was quintessential for her. It was the very essence of her life. And perhaps she lost herself in the middle of all of this, forgetting to love herself first while trying to love someone else.

But she was not her curves. No.

She was someone with scars that still needed healing. She was sometimes insecure about her imperfections but that’s what shaped her into the fascinating being that she was.

She was a woman, a sister, a friend, a confidante, but most of all, she was as plain and simple as the other women were, waiting to be loved and cared for. She was the woman who wanted to feel the gentle caress of a man on her body; she was the woman who wanted to feel the warmth of a man next to her during the cold days.

Just like the other women, she wanted to feel desired not because of her curves but for whom she was as a whole. She didn’t need anyone to complete her, but as it goes with our primal instincts, she wanted someone she could call her own and with whom she’d share her darkest secrets and her desires.

But until the time she meets this someone, she’ll have to get up yet again, hoping the world will see her as she is, in her truest form and not mistake her curves as her identity.

Because no, she is not her curves.